FACEBOOK FRIENDS

Howdy, *Jack Tide here.

I dated a girl once who broke up with me because I didn't have nearly as many facebook friends as her. To this day she'll tell you that wasn't the real reason she cast me hither but I know the truth.

Her name was and still may remain, Samantha. Samantha, ordinarily not too shabby of a name but I'm always cognizant of and a bit wary of girls names that can be abbreviated from the female to the male.
                                      Samantha-Sam
                                      Alexis-Alex
                                      Micah-Mikes
                                      Thomasina-Tom
etc.

Anyway the topic of my facebook friends would invariably show up at dinner or at coffee conversations among her friends. I never instigated it.

Example.

We were at a small cafe overlooking Woodland Park and Greenlake and the day was something out of a children's book, all colored in bright Crayolas. We were with two of Samantha's friends, Reuben and Charlotte. Reuben had made the mistake two years ago of somehow allowing himself to become engaged to Charlotte who thought it whimsical to go by Charlie. Reuben and Charlie. Sounds like a badly produced puppet show if you ask me.

Introductions had been made and we were sipping our respective drinks and eating our salads and breadsticks. I was trying to decide if if that was a piece of pubic hair on my salad. It just sat there curled up on my ranch dressing like a brown question mark.

"What do you think, Jack?" Samantha asked. She was looking spectacular that day with a trifle of wind through her hair.

"I think it is pubic hair."

"What? No I mean about what we were just discussing," she said, motioning to Reuben and Charlie.

"You see," I said, nodding down to my salad, "the barista or cook seems to have misplaced a-"

"I was just telling them that you've only twelve people as facebook friends," Samantha said. "They'd be more than happy to have you request them as friends."

Reuben nodded solemnly.
Charlie also nodded but I could tell her heart wasn't in it. Samantha had told me Charlie had over six hundred facebook friends already so she had commitments.

"It wouldn't be a problem," Reuben said.

"Gee," I said, "I mean we only just met."

Charlie shrugged.

"We've known Samantha for years," Reuben said, "and we trust her judgement. Her last boyfriend-"

"Dane," Charlie added.

"Yes, Dane. Dane was a great guy. Marvelous."

"He cracked me up he was so funny," Charlie smiled fondly. "And he was so charming."

"Smart too," Reuben added. "Remember when he changed my tire? In no time, Jack, the tire was off and the new one was on. Like a snap!"

Samantha smiled at me and nodded.

"Are you guys still facebook friends with Dane?" I asked.

Reuben and Charlie glanced at each other and then smiled briefly at Samantha.

"Um, yes," Charlie said, "but he rarely posts so it's like he's not even there."

Reuben changed the subject by pulling out his phone and scrolling. "What's your facebook name Jack? Jack Tide? Jacky Tide?"

"JacksonWTide," Samantha offered.

"Ah here you are," Reuben said, sliding  his sunglasses up. "Yes. Wow Samantha, you weren't kidding. Jack...what have you been doing? You haven't even added Samantha."

"You believe that?" Samantha said. "Don't even look at his relationship status. I'll get furious."

"Whaaaat?" Charlie whispered, a lilt of disbelief in her voice.

This little trio before me got quiet as I sat there contemplating the pubic hair in my salad. I knew it was a mistake to order it.

It was clear by their faces that I'd made some inexcusable facebook faux pas.

"Let's see here," Reuben said, examining my page. "Your last post was... two months ago!"

"You're kidding," Charlie said. I don't think she meant to say this aloud.

"It's a picture of a chimpanzee holding a gun," Reuben said, showing the image around, even to me as if I'd never seen it before.

"What a mean meme," Charlie said.

"It's an obscenely mean meme," I agreed with a smile, provoking a nudge of the elbow from Samantha.

"Ugh, I hate guns," Charlie said. "In fact I was just telling Baz at the Rec the other day" Reuben had been texting on his phone while she was talking and her phone buzzed. She read the text, smiled primly, glanced at me, and started replying. "-that guns are abhorrent. Baz agreed. Anybody who likes guns, we feel, are juvenile."

I thought about taking my Glock out of my messenger's bag and plopping it on the table with a 'Now What Chuck?'. It was already clear I was no Dane. Maybe I couldn't change the tires on Reuben's Mazda Shinari in a snap but I could sure blow them the fuck up. With my eyes closed.

"Jack just has to get out there and meet more people," Samantha said. "First thing he needs to do is change his profile pic. Get a picture of him up there and not one of John Cusack. Then change his relationship status and get some pics of us on there. Life's passing you by Jack."

Reuben and Charlie were nodding.

"Then friend request Reuben and Charlie."

"Well..." Reuben said.

"Jack?" Samantha said. "Jack are you going to eat your salad?"

"No, go ahead."

Long story short, Reuben and Charlie never added me.



*Jack Tide is a fictional character by Michael Callinglast. These events take place before the events shown in the book FEROCITY. Click here to check it out. Or you'll never have Jello again.